The masks we hide behind

Recognize and release them

There was a beautiful exhibit at an art show I attended a while back: “Unmasking Brain Injury.” It was a wall of vibrant face masks depicting a diverse village of survival. The base of each mask was the same simple blank canvas, but they were all designed, painted, and crafted in very different ways — each symbolizing the fear, pain, and journey the artist went through with their brain injury. It was exquisite; giving each person a voice and revealing what was underneath the face they were presenting to the world.

It got me thinking about masks then, and more recently it’s come to mind, specifically the masks we often wear in everyday life. These masks hide true feelings or intentions, keep the world at a distance, and allow us to slip in and out of being authentic to ourselves and others.

“He often felt that too many people lived their lives acting and pretending wearing masks and losing themselves in the process.”— Nicholas Sparks

What’s the deception, really?

A few years ago, I participated in a retreat where the intention was to call in our soul mates. What can I say? I believe in soul mates. We engaged in much introspection, self-examination, meditation, and connecting during the retreat to help us explore this. At the beginning, to get inspired, we each pulled a card from Doreen Virtue’s Romance Oracle deck, which was meant to help guide the journey.

So, with hope and longing I closed my eyes, said a little prayer, and pulled the word… “Deception.”

Deception! I was thinking, this doesn’t bode well for someone looking for love. Deception? Really? But, I took this to heart and decided there was probably a reason I pulled that card. And, boy was there. Deep questions are sometimes answered in mysterious ways.

During the meditation I went deep within, and it soon became clear that my card's meaning was self-deception. Huge aha. I needed to process and let go of things I was hiding from, hiding behind, before I was ready to sustain a lasting relationship, whether a relationship with a person or the relationship to my most meaningful work. So, my entire retreat became about self-love and examining where I was wearing a mask of self-deception.

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”—James Baldwin

Masks of many faces

We become experts at wearing masks, with superficial and deep-seated reasons for wearing them. The masks I discovered shielded the disconnect between the pretty picture I painted and the complicated truth. So how I showed up in the world was not fully authentic. One such mask hid a fear of wanting to be liked BY EVERYONE. And, I’d become so attached to that desired result that it was stop-motion in many areas of my life. And, the mask created a distance.

Self-protection is a mask. Perhaps you can relate. The disconnect is a mask.

The experiment involved removing the attachment-to-result and need-to-be-loved-by-everyone masks, exploring the shadows behind them—accepting, healing and surrendering to them. Vulnerability became a tool, a collaborator, rather than another thing to hide from. The masks still slide into place from time to time, which is probably why this story came to mind again. But now they are transparent and I see them for what they are.

This is the work. Every day.

Our masks are the faces of our fears.

Shedding our protective masks enables us to embrace vulnerability, making it easier for others to do the same. Also, it’s easier now to recognize others who are wearing masks. It takes one to know one!

What kind of masks are you wearing? Another way of asking is: what fears are you hiding behind? And, how do you know when you’re wearing one?

When you’re not your best self, and you know it.

When you’re not living your purpose, and you know it.

When you don’t express how you really feel or ask for what you really want, and you know it.

When you see repeated patterns in how you relate to others and how they relate to you, where it doesn’t feel connected, or one or both of you are trying too hard.

When you’re wearing a mask, you’re not present.

You. Are. Not. Present.

Chances are you’ve put on a mask to hide the real you, out of one of those fears.

Masks of Unmasked Brain Injury

Ask your mask

What does your mask represent? What does the mask say to you? What is it hiding? What’s it keeping you safe from?

Have a dialogue with each mask on the pages of your journal. This is a brave discussion. With curiosity and without judgment.

Try removing a mask, just for a day. When you notice you’re stopping yourself, pause for a moment, and in your mind’s eye, remove the mask. Try to be present with what’s in front of you. Surrender to your authenticity. Get vulnerable. It’s surprising how brave you feel when you trust your vulnerability.

Notice how it feels, the newness, the rawness, the unknowing of being with the mask. It may feel a bit scary. Your “skin” underneath will be fresh and new. So certain elements may sting as you come into contact with them. When you see one of your fear-based reactions show up, try to resist reaching for the mask again. Stay in that space, pause, and feel your face without the mask.

That, my friends, is Truth. Try speaking what’s in your heart without the mask. Communicating through the vulnerability or fear that’s underneath the mask helps to release it until it becomes your new normal.

So, what did it take to remove my mask of self-deception? Self-trust. Trusting myself to use my voice, to trust my deep truths, and to know that I am enough.

Once you’ve shed a mask, give it a name and hang it in your closet. It’s a good reminder of how far you’ve come. If you’re feeling nostalgic for one of your former masks, take one out and wear it for Halloween.